GRANNY`S DRESSING HER GRANDSON FOR THE PARTY

3 Janvier 2020

A MAN IS KNOWN BY THE CLOTHES HE WEARS IN WINTER

Once upon a time, i.e. 29 December 2014, while looking through The Guardian I happened to read the the article by Natalia Antonova `Vodka, mittens and sex – a Russian’s guide to surviving the cold` with the following comments. A couple of readers` remarks made me laugh a lot and made me remember one of the brilliant sketches staged by the comic group `Uralskiye Pelmeni` from Yekateringburg. First I wanna share the comment with you, then the sketch gonna follow it.

#1: `My mum is half-Russian and she swore by a nip of vodka before going out into cold weather. She also taught me to wear wool socks, then a plastic bag over each foot, then another pair of socks over the whole thing. I still do it and it works brilliantly, although I'm not certain it was a Russian thing or her own invention. :)` (It was, it was a Russian thing! – BL)

#2: `My mother always made my sister and I do the wool-sock-in-a-plastic-bag and another wool sock on over it all, too, when we were kids. I still do it whenever I go skiing or snowshoeing. It's the only way! Another reason Russians on to their plastic bags!`

The Ural Pelmeni (Yekaterinburg, Urals)
GRANNY`S DRESSING HER GRANDSON FOR THE PARTY
GRANDSON: Grandma! I want to have my T-shirt ironed. I gonna visit Nick`s Birthday party, to be short! With Seryoga ! (Seryoga is an informal form of Russian name Sergei).
GRANNY: With Sergei? Nick`s birthday, aha .. Are girls invited too?
GRANDSON: Duh!
GRANNY: Then put on your shirt!
GRANDSON: No, I gonna wear T-shirt instead.
GRANNY: Both your T-shirt and shirt! The shirt over it!
GRANDSON: Why? I don`t want to. Nothing short of a shirt!
GRANNY (not paying attention to his remarks): Girls gonna say `What a handsome boy he is! He came wearing his shirt!`
GRANDSON: I feel like a stupid oaf! The shirt! I dance in the nightclubs, after all. I don`t wear shirts!
GRANNY (still not paying attention to the grandson`s remarks): Tarry awhile! I`ll fetch a tie.
GRANDSON: A tie?!
GRANNY: It`s but the Birthday party, an event, it means something!
GRANDSON: All the same I`ll untie it later.
GRANNY: Just try me! (They are wrangling with each other)
GRANDSON: Fuck! I`m a freak, aren`t I?
GRANNY: What a handsome guy you are now! Wow! Wait, what are you doing? Why are you taking off your tracksuit trousers!
GRANDSON: Gonna wear my jeans.
GRANNY: Wear your jeans over the tracksuit trousers!
GRANDSON: Granny! Stop it!
GRANNY: Granny, granny! Just think what time it gonna take to reach Kolka`s home. (Kol`ka is an informal name of Nikolai, Nick). Having got no trousers under the jeans may threaten your little bells! Frost! Wanna pee then at every turn?
GRANDSON: But granny!
GRANNY: What? Your granddad wore a double pair of trousers every single moment of his life and lived till his 90 years old. He was even buried wearing that double pair!
GRANDSON: I won`t be able to get into the jeans!
GRANNY: What jeans! Are you going to join Nick`s Birthday party or to go and work in a greengrocery? You should get on the new trousers, very good and even ironed ones. Your granddad had been wearing `em since the WW2`s end.
GRANDSON: What`s this, just tell me!
GRANNY: It`s the crêpe de Chine! None can wear them out! Put them on, I cannot but insist! Just look - it`s so nice! Go on! Don`t stop. Never forget to zip your fly front, or else your cock gonna fly far, faraway! Well! Now all`s right, but the underpants could have been even longer to keep your small of the back warm!
GRANDSON: I doubt that my little bells are of any use for me after I`d been dressed like that! Besides I gonna feel double hot inside!
GRANNY: If you feel too hot at the party be free to take off one of your trousers!
GRANDSON: Then where will I place them there?
GRANNY: Put them into your fur cap! They`ll be safe and sound and never lost! Your cap, just look at it, is new! Rabbit skin! Before you only a bunny had worn it!
GRANDSON: I won`t go anywhere while wearing that dress!
GRANNY: Just try me! I`ll phone your mother!
GRANDSON: I`ll do it myself first! I wish you hadn`t come here from your Zhitomir ... (a town in Ukraine). Mom, hi! Tell her, I`m kinda hare here .. Granny, take the cell phone! Mom`s speaking!
GRANNY: Hi, Natasha! Have you eaten your soup? Aha! Have you drunk your tea-mushroom? Yes-yes, it`s tasty, yes! What! (flying into a passion): I`ve brought you up very healthy, now it`s him that I want to bring up healthy too! I say! Well. (handing the cell phone to her grandson).
GRANDSON: Mom, why, mom?
GRANNY: Gimme you left leg! One, two!
GRANDSON: What`s this?
GRANNY: They`re knee-high felt boots! The trousers never become the trainers, after all!
GRANDSON: Felt boots, are they all the go as you think?
GRANNY: They are good for every dress. Lemme roll them down to prevent snow`s penetration.
GRANDSON: I won`t go anywhere!
GRANNY: That`s even better! Why to go anywhere? Better stay at home and breathe in the steam of the boiling potato peelings to prevent the flu! Then I`ll ask you to hold the woollen yarn for me on your hands spread apart. Then the time will have come to go to bed.
GRANDSON: Oh no! I`ve been already put down for the granny-like way I behave. Now they are to laugh about the way I`m dressed like a fool on a hill!
GRANNY: Your grandad was a laughing-stock as well until his 60 years old.
GRANDSON: And then?
GRANNY: Then all the laughing persons passed away! Everytime he had to visit the graveyard he laughed all alone glancing at their tombstones! Wait, wait! Take off that silk stranglehold!
GRANDSON: It`s a fashionable silk scarf!
GRANNY: I wove a scarf from the wool you held on your hands spread apart.
GRANDSON: My silk scarf was woven by the silkworms.
GRANNY: Will the silkworms be your doctor if you have caught cold, eh? Are you ready to live in their cocoonery?
GRANDSON: Where`s my down-padded coat?
GRANNY: It won`t do either. Outerwear ought to be different! Like this!
GRANDSON: Are you crazy, grandma? I`d rather wear my down-padded coat!
GRANNY: Down-padded coat? It`s you who are crazy. Frost ouside. Minus six degrees Celsius! … (shaking out the granddad`s shipskin coat) Now everything`s good. My God, moth`s flown out! (she`s slapped it). Oi!
GRANDSON: Heart attack?
GRANNY: Nope. I can`t bear it anymore. My grandson`s the most handsome! The image of his granddad. But remember, my dear, clothes count for first impressions!
GRANDSON: I`m afraid that due to my clothes I won`t be loved at first sight!
GRANNY: What are you going to present the guy who`s celebrated today?
GRANDSON: We made up our minds to club together 500 rubles per head as our common gift.
GRANNY: What fools! 500 rubles! This is a big sum! One can buy a pair of felt boots! Let them present him money! As to you, take this book as a gift for him!
GRANDSON: What book?
GRANNY: `By Valery Hospitalitoff. How to be a social mixer!` I`ve got a lot of books. Birthday gifts for your granddad.
(Doorbell is ringing)
GRANDSON`S FRIEND: Hello, Christina Agilerovna!
GRANNY: Oh, it`s you little Vitaly! I see that your grandmother has also come to you!
GRANDSON`S FRIEND (nodding): That's hardly the word to say that she has. Dimka (informal from Dmitri): What book have you got? I`ve got this.
GRANDSON: Mine`s that. Grandma, finish! We gotta go!
GRANNY: Bon voyage! Godspeed! Well! (addressing the female part of the audience) Look out, you dudines! The males went hunting on you!
THE END