AFTER THE NEW YEAR CORPORATE PARTY

4 Janvier 2020

An Uralskiye Pelmeni sketch
AFTER THE NEW YEAR CORPORATE PARTY

The real corporate spirit is being felt best of all next morning after the New Year corporate party.
OFFICE MANAGER: Here he comes, our sparky, our corporate little wheels!
BRANCH MANAGER SIVTSOV: Is Sir in?
OFFICE MANAGER: In, in! He`s busy!
SIVTSOV: While he`s busy, gonna get some water.
OFFICE MANAGER: Water cooler is empty! Not only you attended the New Year corporate party yesterday! Go out on the balcony and eat some snow!
SIVTSOV: Am I a lunatic to eat snow?
OFFICE MANAGER: But yesterday you ate it!
SIVTSOV: I don`t remember last night! A thing! Only my legs hurt! I sure danced plenty!
OFFICE MANAGER: After doing the cross splits everyone feels pains in their legs!
SIVTSOV: God, how embarrassing! Did I happen to offend anyone?
OFFICE MANAGER: Unless Galina Ivanovna. She happened not to attend the yesterday`s party! Where else except for the New Year corporate party could she have seen the Branch Manager dancing in underpants assemled from the strings of the linked paper clips attached to the lap belt? Here it is! Keep `em, they`re yours!
SIVTSOV: Was it me who`d assembled them? How to dance in them, all`s seen through!
OFFICE MANAGER: Of course, all`s seen through these underpantpants! My cellphone`s camera is lo-res, yet even I can see clearly all on screen! Look, it`s you!
SIVTSOV: Are you going to delete it!
OFFICE MANAGER: How can I do it? It`s uploaded to Youtube! Already 200,000 views!
SIVTSOV: Why didn`t you send me home then?
OFFICE MANAGER: I drove you home myself three times, but everytime you were back! Initially you left your jacket, then you remembered you`d been going to go say goodbye to everybody ...

CHIEF EXECUTIVE (CEO): That`s right, Mr. Sivtsov is here! Well, hello, bro!
SIVTSOV: Andrei Borisovich, there must be some mistake! What kind of bro are you for me?
CEO: The most authentic one! Brotello! (Broseph!) Come on, sock it to me! Hug the beast! Come on, man!
SIVTSOV: You are not! What beast?
CEO: Greedy and insatiable!
SIVTSOV: That must be some mistake! Can the beast even feed my family?! Forgive me, please!
CEO: I forgave you! I was about to fire you immediately, but you were somehow able to please our `clever-by-half bastards`.
SIVTSOV: What for the bastards?
CEO: `The clever-by-half bastards`! It was you who had called them like that! I mean our Japanese shareholders!
SIVTSOV: The Japanese?!
CEO: Congrats!
SIVTSOV: But on what?
CEO: You are my Deputy effective immediately. A top manager of our company!
SIVTSOV: Why me? I`m an ordinary manager, my sales are below average level.
CEO: Kookily! Who else but you only yesterday convinced all of us, including the Japanese, that there was no better expert on sales than you! In pure Japanese! When did you learn Japanese, tell me, you quiet fucker?
SIVTSOV: I can`t remember a thing, I beg your pardon!
CEO: Damn it! You gonna remember things! Here is your new desk, workbench! Your device! Bring back your fucking memory! We have got many significant negotiations today!

GALINA IVANOVNA: How are you, Yulichka! (informal from `Yuliya`. - BL).
OFFICE MANAGER: Oh, Galina Ivanovna! Hi! Meet our new top manager! Chief`s Deputy!
GALINA IVANOVNA: (in a strangled voice) Siv-tsov?!
SIVTSOV: Not on purpose or anything!
GALINA IVANOVNA: (addressing the CEO) How`s that, Andrei Borisovich? I`ve been getting ready for that position for 15 years!
CEO: (heatedly, unable to explain, but then grabbing the underpants assemled from the paper clips off the office manager desk for a Galina Ivanovna`s fitting) Galina Ivanovna! Could you try on these underpants?
GALINA IVANOVNA: What are you suggesting? Sir!
CEO: Well, you just answered your own question! What else? Sivtsov, look! I`ve got an unopened flask for you! Ready, steady ... . Tonight we are having a life-changing business dinner!

GALINA IVANOVNA: Andrei Borisovich! But it's unfair! First you got round me at the corporate party on International Woman's Day ... and were appointed our director ... and now it`s Sivtsov, that jump-in, frat boy, who got an advantage over me!

CEO: Galina Ivanovna! (even more heatedly, looking for the last word) Here's the thing about that, corporate spirit still applies for everyone, and one ought to be integrated into the community. You should have communicated with the collective in difficult moments rather than shuffled your fucking papers in the safety of your home!

Sivtsov: (finally in rare form) Wow! Feel so good! Better than good! Where are my great amazing underpants?
(to GALINA IVANOVNA) Get lost, you cows!
(to the CEO) We got to go, you fucking beast, we`ve got a lot on our plate! So drink in silence? Where are those clever-by-half bastards?
THE END